The Boss of You

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the idea of women claiming our expertise, and getting more comfortable putting ourselves forward as leaders, whether it be in business, politics, personal ventures, or whatever our area of interest. We hear (and talk) a lot about how few women are in positions of leadership, and how we can increase those numbers. The figures are appalling, pretty much across the board. Sure, there are exceptions — the Welsh national assembly, for instance — but they’re the vast minority.

Now, the brevity of a blog post forces one to be brutally simplistic when addressing matters of such complexity, so given that, I’d like to suggest there are two broad issues at hand here.

The first is worldwide, millenia-old sexism and misogyny. It’s ingrained so deep it will likely take lifetimes to crawl out from under its boot. Forward-thinking women, trans people, and men have been working on this stuff for a long time, and will continue to do so. What can women in business do to fight it? Blow the whistle; educate ourselves; and when stonewalled, head out on our own.

Which brings me to the other issue: reluctance to embrace our power.

Please let me digress for a moment to say that OF COURSE this is not universal, and I am both generalizing and speaking for myself, not for everyone. Thank the gods and goddesses that there are intensely powerful women who embody a state to which I am still aspiring.

OK, back to our regular programming.

I know many, many brilliant women who downplay their own expertise, wisdom, abilities, and all-around fabulousness. Why? The reasons are manifold, complex, and deeply personal — but let’s not linger there. Each of us has our own journey to uncover our demons and fight ‘em. Instead, let’s talk about where we need to get to.

I long for the day when I see more of my friends and colleagues standing up and demanding what they richly deserve. And we won’t get there until we are willing to tell the world why we deserve it, without clouding our words with humility and equivocation. To claim our rightful place at the front of the room, and the head of the boardroom table.

Tara Hunt over at HorsePigCow recently posted about a conference where women were underrepresented on the speakers list. The fabulous thing is that many women bloggers were on the case, and lo and behold, the conference organizers listened. Two days later, there were several women scheduled to speak — still a small percentage of the list, but a huge improvement. And who was on the list? Tara herself.

Oh…and [conference organizer Ismael Ghalimi] asked me [to speak]. My first reaction? “I simply couldn’t” then I had to kick myself. Doh! I was doing the same thing I criticized myself and other women of doing. So, with thanks to Ismael, I accepted [although I already feel the nauseousness setting in].

I read that, and took a deep breath. I recognized myself in her words. I would have reacted the same way. Outrage at the numbers; panic at being invited to help correct them with my presence. (“Me? I couldn’t possibly!” shrieks my inner critic.)

Then I found myself reading an older post at BlogHer, discussing (among other things — scroll down to read the relevant section) how women use our networks differently than men. The crux of the post lies in a quote from Fran Maier, Executive Director and President of TrustE and co-founder of Match.com. I’ll include a brief excerpt, but I urge you to read the rest as well.

In 2004, my MBA class celebrated its 15th reunion. …I saw many of my female friends and we spoke of the last time the families got together, I began to notice that the guys seemed to be reminding one another not only of social engagements but that deal they worked on or that partnership they formed. At first, I thought I was being overly sensitive, but more and more I saw the truth – the men in my class really did work with one another, not just in spotty, one-time ways but regularly and in significant ways.

After the reunion, I checked in with some of my female friends still working outside the home, and we all agreed that we did not reach out to each other professionally. We keep our professional lives separate. … we agreed that the lack of serious networking and deal making was one reason we could own for not necessarily achieving the same level of success as many of the men (or having to work so much harder for it). We don’t do the deal with each other. We don’t hire and seek out one another as much. We need to do the deal. With the guys, for sure, but especially with other women.

I found myself mulling these two posts (Tara’s and Jory’s) for days, thinking about what it’s going to take for me to take the leap into the stuff that scares me, and do it anyway. (That’s the definition of courage, right?) To breathe in the knowledge that these cliff-edge moments are not only defining on a personal level, but crucial for women in general — that without pushing ourselves to overcome our internalized gender shit, we cannot progress as a group.

I’m focusing on this part of the equation right now, rather than the global sexism part, because it feels more like an adversary I can face and fight. So I am working on my shit right now. The stuff that makes me question my ability to lead workshops and conference sessions and write books(!) and get my name on the list of renowned experts in my field.

But it’s freaking difficult for many of us to do that. What are the baby steps? Here are mine; I’d love to hear yours.

1. Talk to my friend Amanda, a seasoned workshop facilitator, for tips on becoming a brilliant session leader.
2. Read more books on leadership, particularly those aimed at women. And do the exercises.
3. Sign up for a conference speaking spot even before I think I’m ready. I’ve been to enough bad conference sessions and workshops to know I can at least do better than that.
4. Keep asking myself what I need to learn to feel confident about deserving my place in the world. Learn those things (e.g. keep up on the latest technology in my field; read the other experts’ blogs; etc.).
5. Practice speaking in public. I won’t be able to walk before I crawl. And unlike many people, I am blessed with being pretty comfortable talking to a crowd. So it’s time to start crawling.
6. Get our book published. It’s not directly relevant to my web design work, but adding “published author” to my resume couldn’t be a bad thing.